So I was reading someones post about making excuses to not finish losing weight. I have been there, Lord knows I have been there. It stirred up some major feelings of, oh I dunno, regret for me. I have been over 200 lbs for more than half my life. I have gained and lost in a roller coaster fashion for all 20 of those years. I got serious about losing weight once, and lost 90 lbs.
When I was losing weight before I was married to my X-husband. He was, well he was him. On one occasion he was eating Oreo cookies in front of me and I made the comment "Mmmm sugar" Hell i don't even care much for Oreos but they looked good at the time. He asked me if I wanted one, I said no. He waved it around in front of me and I said get that out of my face. He then said "You know you want it come on come get one." I was getting angry, I yelled. He came over and shoved the thing into my mouth, cookie pieces flying everywhere as I tried to spit it out.
It never made sense to me, he would sabotage me in some way, yet I knew he wanted a "skinny" wife. When we met I was 122 lbs @ 5'11" and modeling on the runway at a boutique in Pismo Beach. The doctors told me when I got pregnant to gain weight or I couldn't have a healthy baby. I took them a little too serious I think. lol So all that sabotage and within a year I went through a windshield of the truck he was driving, I was bed ridden for a few months and ate what was brought to me (by him mostly) and he tells me he doesn't love me anymore because I gained weight and because i am hurt will never lose it again. I was devastated. Not only to hear the hurtful words, but to find I had married such a shallow man. He left me with the 3 kids to care for. So I did. I went to work broken and sick.
I used this whole scenario as an excuse. That is clear to me now. In the following few years I underwent 7 surgeries, almost bled to death and almost went paralyzed putting off 2 of those surgeries for to long. I kept working and caring for the kids. I had to support them and was getting no help to do so. I almost killed myself putting off what was good for me. We get stuck in a rut. Tunnel vision , focused on our day to day lives and forget how much we matter.
I started dating Mike and he saw all too clearly what I was costing myself by putting things off, him and my surgeon were begging me to get surgery. How could I? I had no support system, and would lose my home. Mike offered to come stay with me while I underwent surgeries to pay the bills. He had been looking at houses in the area to move into and be closer. (He lived in CT and I in VA) So he moved up here and into the house "short term" to care for me and the kids. 7 years later (almost to the date) he is still here. He has been a savings grace.
Anyhow i had in all this mess forgotten completely that I was over weight. I focused on getting better and being well, but did not include weight into that focus. It cost me. It cost me dearly. Now I am diabetic, have Sleep Apnea, and the arches in my feet (as I mentioned before) have fallen.
Suddenly seemingly out of no where something clicked. A few days before my 40th birthday I decided it was time to lose this weight and be goal by my next birthday! Inside I feel like a different person making the decision. I can't explain it really.
That brings me to what this blog is all about. I don't think I accurately explained the premise behind it all. So as I said in previous posts, me and my house are in need of a makeover. Both makeovers are going to and have taken A LOT of effort and energy, neither is going to be easy. I feel I will be able to look at the house and all the work it took to get it where it is and relate it to (especially since the work involved is exercise towards my goal) my weight loss. I wouldn't start reversing the work I had done in the house. That would be stupid. Yet we let ourselves gain back weight we lost. Isn't that just as silly as taking a sledge hammer to the new beautiful walls in the house? Relating the 2 together will be a constant reminder of what it takes to lose the weight. I hope it helps me not only stay on track, but keep it off once I lose it. Because I AM going to lose it!
I want to be healthy and play with grandkids (I have 3 kids eventually, hopefully not too soon, one of them will give me grandbabies) I want to be a healthy example for my little girl, to encourage her. I have been fat her whole life. It is time to show her a healthy example of Mom.
Thank you for sharing your story. Some of it reminds me of some of my own. After having my second child I began to see a nutritionist to lose weight and suddenly my ex would bring how grasshoppers for dairy queen(MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM) and king candy bars (ALMONDS my favorite). Eventually my nutritionist told me to wise up that he was sabotaging my weight loss. On one hand I had loss those curves and on the other hand he ensured that they didn't come back.
ReplyDeleteSo loss my father, loss my mother and the weight continues....and then something clicks and I say enough but by then weight is up and I'm busy busy busy...now I'm making time because I can't not make time. I must be around for my kids and I want to continually be a vessel God can use to his glory. I'm gonna have a testimony to yell from the mountains on how he transferred his daughter. I'm gonna stay true to his messages to me and although some days may be up and some days may be down I'm going to press my way through the emotions and find peace, comfort and safety in his arms and in his Word.
I'm here for you if you ever want to talk. I'll send you an email off line and tell you a bit more about me and my family.
Dee